Heart of flowers

I want to give you a heart full of flowers because I'm thankful for having you in my life.

Today I woke up and felt a cool breeze after weeks of hot summer. This breeze brought me a feeling of comfort that made me think of you. It reminded me of when you took me camping at the mountains, and I felt that same breeze on my face while running under that big blue sky. I remembered how it felt to feel free for the first time. To feel invincible. And at the same time to feel safe because you were there. Near you I was in peace. My life was worry free.

I know you're still there. I'm the one that left. I'm not sure why anyone would leave comfort, safety and peace… But I did. I still experience freedom but it's a lot different than before. I'm free but I'm scared. I cannot run at the mountains endlessly anymore, I worry I might fall off a cliff. You're not there with a safety net to catch me. Nobody is. I still have peace, but it is contained in a bubble that can be popped at any minute. I have children now, I have lots of worries in my mind. I try my hardest to make it through the day peacefully. It doesn't always work. For the most part I feel that it doesn't work. There's too much to do and very little time. I wonder if my children feel safe and invincible near my chaotic self. And that makes me wonder if you experienced chaos while you gave me peace and safety. How is it possible to give what you don't have? How could I feel like I could conquer the world while you were worried and uncertain about our future? Do you worry now? Do you still encounter chaos? Are you just an ordinary human being like me, trying to make it through the day? What do you mean you're not a superhero? You’re not immortal? What?! Well, I need to tell you that no matter who you think you are, or how you feel. You still somehow bring me peace and safety. You might not think so, but you are still there to catch me when I fall. And I know you always will be.

I love you mom! ❤